The Ice Cream Wars
by Mrs. C. N. Riddle
Summary: Vanilla, Strawberry, Chocolate? What's your flavor? Well, encounter the favorites of three characters and how their differences tear them apart causing tragedy...and well pure amusement! Come laugh your hides off at another installation of these two cuzs!
1. Chapter 1

1944-December, 31-Milkyway Galaxy-Earth-Europe-England-Hogwarts-Dumbledore's Office-On a couch…more specifically sitting on the cushion with that damn middle spring right in the ass

**Chapter 1**

**1944-December, 31-Milkyway Galaxy-Earth-Europe-England-Hogwarts-Dumbledore's Office-On a couch…more specifically sitting on the cushion with that damn middle spring right in the ass**

"More champagne, my dearest schnuggle-wumpkins," spoke Albus Dumbledore clothed in a red satin thigh–length robe.

"Yes, my lovely pumpkin-doodle-pie," said Gellert (what was J.K. on!? No wonder he turned evil) Grindelwald, "Shall we toast to another year of our love?" He held up his champagne glass filled with the bubbly liquid and sprawled his scantly clad untoned, flabby body upon the worn pleather (and yes that's with a p!) couch. He then leaned seductively forward in an attempt to show Albus how a real man wields a wand when suddenly a spring pops sending Gellert into Albus's lap. And so an awkward moment calls for an awkward entrance and the door opens revealing a very disgusted Tom Riddle.

"Gasp!"

"No, Tom, this isn't what you think!" screamed Dumbledore shoving his now agitated lover onto the floor.

"What!? Yes, Tom, yes it is!" yelled Grindelwald.

"No, it isn't!"

"Who wears the pants in this relationship?"

"You do," spoke Dumbledore.

"Yes, and you wear the banana hammock, so stay in your place and I'll stay in mine…which is behind you."

"Twitch!" screamed Tom Riddle at the top of his lungs.

Both the lovers stared at the adolescent undesired guest in shock.

"Are you speaking in verbs again? See _this_ is why I never call on you in class!" said Dumbledore.

"Jazz hands! OMG! Guess what day it is! Jumps up and down! Come on guess!! Giggles like a school girl!"

Gellert suddenly jumps up and screams, "Me and Dumbly-dore's 30 year anniversary!!"

"Psssh no! It's my b-day! I'm 16 now. Claps!"

Dumbledore arises and ambles over to Tom and proceeds to smack him in the face, "For a smarty-pants you sure have no social skills!"

"Pouts…I do to! I have lots and lots of friends!...no wait…they're minions. Jk….Rowling! Giggles!"

"This is no time for mentioning that amazing writer that is J.K. Rowling…she wrote the Harry Potter series and she gave birth to you, me, and Albus here…that is in a literary sense. Literarily speaking, we are three men of one wand. "

"Ew! Literary incest! Oh my God, and you knew this all along! You disgust me!"

"Well, back to _me_! 'Cause I'm the prettiest one here…Bats eyelashes…what are we gonna do for my sweet sixteen!!" squeals Tom.

"Oh, I'll make it sweet…Muhahahha!" Grindelward spoke in a creepy, pervy old man voice as he reaches for Tom's robes.

"Now, now, down boy down…we have to wait two more years for that pretty, little piece of meat, rawr. I was thinking more along the lines of ICE CREAM!!" screamed Dumbledore, "Now, what kind does everybody want?"

"Strawberry!! It's so feminine and beautiful, oh it makes me so warm inside!" squeals Gellert as Tom gives him a strange look. "Clears throat…what I meant was," as he switches to a deeper voice, "It reminds me of vaginas…Cringes…Oh who am I kidding! It's soooooo pretty!!"

"Okayyyyy…Chocolate for me, it's all dark and mysterious…reminds me of death and destruction! Muhahahhaha!" Tom also receives odd looks from his professor and the strange gay man with the stupid name (Gellert…I mean really!...what was she thinking!) and proceeds to change his voice into a more high-pitched girly shrill, "I mean kittens and puppy-dogs…Oh god! What am I saying! I'm evil, pure evil!! Muhahahhaha!!...Gasp! I've had this great idea! I should go kill my useless Muggle father! I mean, do you think I could do it? He does have a gun…"

"I don't think you can, Tom…I'm sorry I don't believe you have the ability!" said Dumbledore, "I mean you're a good wizard but _I'm_ only that good."

"You've never believed in me! What about that time I unleashed that giant snake on all of Hogwarts! You said I could never kill a Mudblood, but I did it and you had to give me twenty bucks!"

"Yeah that was twenty bucks I didn't have! I had to buy generic condoms because of you!"

"Wait…why did you need condoms?"

"Gellert was worried I might get pregnant and we decided we weren't ready for children."

"Why are you getting some and I'm not! I mean I'm frickin sexy! Where's my lovin!?"

"You know I could change that, wink, wink," grinned Grindelwald.

"I loooooovvvve booooobbbbsss!" said Tom looking at Grindelwald.

"Awwwww…look if I press them together…"

"Ok that's just sick! My eyes!" Tom falls to the ground twitching, "Twitch, TWITCH!!"

"Soooooo, about that ice cream…I'm feelin vanilla-y!"

"But vanilla's so borrrring and plain!" groaned Gellert.

"No, it's pure and good!"

"Yeah, like _you're_ pure!"

"At least it's better than chocolate! That just gives me the creeps!" said Dumbledore.

"Nothing, you know nothing!!" screamed Tom in adolescent, sex-deprived anger as he stormed out of Dumbledore's office.

"I agree with Tom, chocolate is better…especially when it's smeared on sexy men's bare chests…Drools!"

"That's it, you're nothing but a dog and I can not stand it anymore! It's over! We're through!" screams Dumbledore in tears as he points to the door.

"You'll regret this someday, Albus! I will have my revenge!" yells Grindelwald as he storms out the door.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

**Chapter 2 **

**1945-December, 29…See previous chapter for location**

After a wonderful day of teaching and a beautiful stroll along the lake, Albus Dumbledore approached his office but stopped short as muffled sounds of pleasure and terror…or terrified pleasure…oozed from behind the door. Albus pulled out his wand and creaked open the door, to find a horrifying yet somewhat arousing site.

"Grindelwald! Tom! How could you!?"

"Revenge! Revenge! Ah, sweet, studded revenge!"

"Rape, rape!!" screamed Tom as he burst into tears, "Why, why in the name of chocolate ice cream! And everybody wonders why I'm so screwed up! I've been permanently scarred…literally!"

"Not only is Tom under age but if what he says is true it's also rape…and not the good kind!"

"What? You're under-aged?"

"Yes, you asshole! No, you were too busy shoving me into an office on a lame pleather couch to ask me a simple question! You didn't even buy me dinner! Did you not see me talking to that girl?...Did you not see her boobs?..." Tom suddenly drifts off, "Boooobs…"

"Anywayyyyy…To jail with you Gellert! To jail!" screams Dumbledore as he summons the dementors out of thin air, "Seize him! And be gentle…He likes it rough!"

"This won't be the last you see me Dumbledore! I'll get you and your vanilla ice cream!!"


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3

**Chapter 3**

**1997-In Gellert's Prison as seen through the eyes of Harry Potter who's seeing through the eyes of Lord Voldemort who's looking into the eyes of Grindelwald who's dreaming about the eyes of Albus Dumbledore…ok that's enough**

"I've been expecting you, Tom," grinned Gellert, ripping off his clothes, "Just couldn't get enough could you? I knew you'd be back for seconds!"

"Oh dear god no!! I hope you know I have a girlfriend…with boobs….yea, boobs! But this isn't about her boobs or my sex life…this is about the ice cream dammit! The ice cream!!"

"Oh, the ice cream. You'll never sway me on the matter, Tom. The three of us just never saw eye to eye…or head to head…which ever way you like it..hehe."

"Oh I took care of Albus…It's your turn old man!"

"What! My Albus! My pumpkin-doodle-pie! My one and only true love! Noooooooooooooo!!"

"Yes and now you shall…wait you didn't love me…Sniffles!"

"No, Tom, what we had was only lust, hot, steamy luuust!"

"Ok that has to stop! Avada Kedavra!"

**Miles away, Harry Potter arises from a deep and rested slumber...**

"Wow that was weirdddd, but I have to admit…way better than Soap TV!"


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4

**Chapter 4**

**2007-Voldemort is currently the overlord of the world and Harry Potter after throwing away his dream of being an Auror, decided to become a psychiatrist, now meeting with Voldemort weekly to discuss his fed up teenage years…**

"Ice cream…Ice cream was the downfall of the two greatest wizards of all time," spoke Harry slowly.

"Excuse me! One of the greatest wizards of all time…I mean _the_ greatest wizard of all time is sitting right in front of you!"

"Now, now, Tom, we'll work on your narcissism later!" said Harry shaking his finger at the snake-like man, "Back to the ice cream…I have a simple solution that would have saved everybody a lot of dying!" Harry leaves the room leaving Voldemort trembling in anticipation, "Ta-da! Neapolitan ice cream!"

"Three flavors in one? What witchcraft is this! Pure genius! But, wait…they all died in vain?! My Dumbly and my Gelly! Nooooo!! I don't desire to live! Not all the boobs in the world could save me now!" in Voldemort's fit of self-hatred, he'd pulled out his wand and pointed it to his head and screamed, "Avada Kedavra!"

"Well now…Hmm…Suicide…Well I'm still charging him!"


	5. Epilogue

Epilogue

**Epilogue**

"And that children is how I defeated the Dark Lord, and how Neapolitan came to rule supreme!" spoke Harry as the group of little children stared in awe at their great-grandfather.

"Grandpa, how does a real man wield a wand?"

**The End!!**

_Vampire Princess (Formerly known as Nonni426)- well there ends another chapter of our twisted getting together. Consider yourselves lucky that we didn't insert more us in the story… we very well could have! I sincerely hope you enjoy our perverted stories and overly gay Dumbledores (Really, give a shout out if you love them as much as we do… some people have objected). Vampire chick out, and have a splendid night!_

_**(My bed, My bedroom, My House, NY, US, North America… ok you get the picture **__**J**__** Signed by Me on August 22**__**nd**__** at 1:54 A FREAKING M in the morning! What we do for you guys :shakes head:) PS! Strawberry Rocks Socks.**_

_Mrs. C. N. Riddle –Yay! Another story in which I write instead of working on my own!! Well, this one was sillier and more rated M than the last two…but hey that's the fun of it all…Oh yea and the ice cream stuff…yea that was a true story…we did have an argument over which is better…me for chocolate (of course) and Nonni for strawberry (haha…no she's just feminine…not gay…cuz if she wasn't she wouldn't be so feminine…sorry for the sterotype…there's nothing wrong with lesbians or gay men…I have lots of gay friends…really…so don't hate me!!)... ok I'm really tired and have to be up early to go to Niagara Falls in the morning so nighty-night! R & R muchos!! (I'm not gonna put you through that torturous signing of Nonni's :-p)_


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